Death….. 6 months on. Just remind me I’m still here. X

So… How do I feel? Right now …. Like a fucking arsehole.
Why ? Well part of me still sits here worried about how I come across … How my anxiety rises … how I barely cope among a room of people I know .. let alone people I don’t. How I come across like someone .. frankly I wouldn’t want to know.

People ask me about .. hey how are you?  .. what have you been up to ? Hows the job? …. yada yada yada.
That sounds mean but its genuinely what I feel and hear when I speak to people nowadays.

I feel … trapped inside my body looking out at people looking at me .. and me being weird and mute and unable to converse in a general normal way.

I’m not looking to talk about my dad .. actually Id rather not…. but  I don’t want to talk to anyone about anything at anytime. I have nothing to say… I feel very awkward… I’m very aware of how awkward I am and how that must appear to other people. That in it self makes it even harder, to be “normal”.

I know its no ones fault … I know its very easy for people to say, “but you need to just get over things , he wouldnt want you to be like this, you need to get back out there … you need to get back to your routine!”

You know what… I’d have been the first one to offer that exact advice .. always … “you need to pick yourself up .. brush yourself off and move on. Let things make you stronger and build who you are, make the most of a shit time… learn from it!”

Truth is… Sometimes you cant , sometimes … you dont know how to … sometimes you wish you could be that person you always knew, and give yourself that advice!
But actually .. you physically don’t know how to .. you mentally cant cope … how ever much you prepare yourself … (Sometimes when you mentally prepare yourself its worse! Because you panic yourself!)

The idea of simply speaking to someone … becomes alien.

I’m upset because the person I love more than anything ….  cant understand that. I don’t expect him to … but I wish he could see how I feel. I wish it was easier to explain to him, because I know its hard for him too. He tries so hard to be there at every turn.. He never sets a foot wrong… and I see him hurting because he cant fix me.
Its just not so simple to explain to someone … I don’t know why I cant do this right now. Its heartbreaking to watch them fight a losing battle… because you don’t know what you’re battling with yourself.

I’m starting to think … many people think I’m kidding on .. and I think I’m shouting this war cry of “no one gets me …. no one understands me… boo hoooooo”

But its something I genuinely believe …. I feel incredibly lonely … Like I have no one to talk to, I Have no one to turn to just to simply listen… just to let me … cry. Just let me hurt… Don’t tell me it will get better… don’t tell me I need to get back to things.. I need to overcome this .. get back to “normal”

Because …. I dont know what my normal is now?

I was so sure I knew myself… I was certain I was sure of myself .. strong.. confident … a fighter and a survivor …
Ive no clue who I am.

I dont know what Im supposed to be doing? Im not sure if what im doing is right? Im going through the motions of “life” and …. feeling nothing.

I’d like to say here I don’t think I am sad about my dad dying …

Of course I am … if I think about him not being here .. I think about the week he was in intensive care … the day before he died .. the last time I seen him not hooked up to a ventilator… Of course I well up with tears… Of course it makes me sad….

But this person .. these issues … this anxiety .. Is not because I’m sitting thinking about my dad… My life before he died … was pretty much the same! …. I didn’t see him every single day… I’ve managed to get back to work (A positive step in my mind because I find my days off much more of a struggle). My life may as well be the same… I could kid on he was still here … until I think “ill phone and ask my dad”…. Then….. Everything seems kiddy on…. a farce .. like I’ve been playing out this life as fine. When … its not.

Therefore.. the issues I’m experiencing are not just loss or longing  … for some reason its totally changed me?  you might read this and think “Well of COURSE its changed you!” …..
But I wasn’t prepared for it to change me in a way where a struggle to cope in day to day life. I thought if this horrible thing was ever to occur… I would build strength from it. It would change me… but not like this… not this bitter and angry person I don’t recognise.

I’m not who I was before…. And I don’t want to be this person I am now!
I wish I Could be the person I was.

PLEASE .. answers on a postcard! ….. But how could this have changed me from day to day life so much???

Why do I panic when people want to talk to me? Why do I want to smash peoples face in … call them out on bull shit.. why do I really not care about what anyone is saying? Its just polite to be nice… Its polite to chat small talk … so why do I constantly feel like … I switch off?

I feel like I lost my dad, and in turn I’m losing my mum because I don’t have a clue how to talk to her either now… I look at her coping so much better than me, and I know deep down, shes not.
Its easier to keep the head up and keep going though… than live a life of anger… sadness or fear.
I know what she is doing is to protect herself, and shes doing it much much better than me. And again…. I feel further and further away, because … I’m not coping.

I find myself even avoiding small talk of any with my mum. I find talking a really hard task without getting frustrated. When shes talks about random day to day things … I find it meaningless. (its not…. but that’s my feelings just now).
It feels easier to switch off than cope with talking.

… I guess all I hope is people know .. this .. this person isn’t me! …. That hopefully someday I will be me again!

Please don’t take offence to the way I am …
Please don’t get fed up if I mope…
Please don’t shout if I cant explain…
Please remember I’m trying really hard…
Please don’t tell me to open up if I genuinely cant……
Please forgive me If I snap at you…..
Please just remind me….
This isn’t me.

I promise to myself and anyone who knows me …. I will get past this.
Because the idea of living a life … being this person…. Is Dire.

I promise I will get better, I will work hard to make the most of the life Ive been blessed with …. It might just take me a wee pause and re group.

Im sorry to anyone Ive offended … Im sorry to anyone who felt awkward.

I know that the people closest to me… mean me nothing but love and worry for me.

I just don’t know how to show you just now. How to show my appreciation of that.
I really wish I did.

I would be truly lost without you.

I love you
Im so sorry.
I miss you
And
I miss me
X

7 Comments Add yours

  1. I am truly so sorry that you loss such an important person in your life and I am so sorry about your struggles. I really hope that you will have that eureka moment where one day you wake up and sort of feel like a weight has been lifted. I used to struggle with pretty bad anxiety but after pushing myself to do different things at university, I am a completely different person. You will get there, you will win this battle. It may not seem like it now but you can do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. tjash says:

    This is so sad… I’m sorry for your loss I can’t imagine what you’re going through… Honestly I don’t knkw what to say other than I trully hope you get better. I could go on about how it’s meant to be this way and how you’ll get better but I’m sure you’ve had enough of that. I believe in you and I believe you’ll defeat this person that’s inside you. You will be you again it just takes time. What I recommend is just get your feelings out without hurting anyone that you don’t want to. I promise Life’s got it all figured out. It may take years but I’m sure you’ll somehow find your way out! Go and hug your mom, it’ll male you both feel better – if you can’t connect with word try to connect like that. Again, I’m sorry for everything you’re going through and I hope this comment didn’t upset you in any way. But if it did, don’t be nice to me – you don’t have to pretend online – just get your feeling out x

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is a difficult one to comment but I do think it’s great that you can write about how you are feeling and how you do not feel like yourself. Have you considered talking to a professional? It might help you find your way again. I lost my father when I was only 4 so I both can and can’t relate at the same time. It was a terrible loss but also I was too young to process it the way you are doing. I wish you all the best. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. lotsoflozx says:

    First of all….WELL DONE for putting this into some kind of words! I totally totally get it.

    My dad died almost 8 years ago when I was 18 and I still feel everything you have just said. Don’t get me wrong, it gets easier to cope with day to day life but I am only just now building myself back up from the ashes.

    And I still feel awkward when people talk to me about him, because it still makes me sad and I’m just fucking sick of crying, I cannot cry without completely losing my cool (cue the ugly scrunched up red face, runny nose and puffy eyes)

    You’re doing amazing!! Just take it day by day ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss too, in some kind of awful way … it’s a comfort to know I’m not alone.
      I work full time as a nurse and I face death on a regular basis…. but nothing could have prepared me for what happened.
      Things do start to feel easier…. but as you say … I have the tiniest thing that can spark the flood gates. This Christmas will be tough, I’m an only child so I’ll be having my mum here. The part I really really struggle with.. is seeing her hurt.

      I question things a lot… but I’ve learned it only upsets me more. Xxx

      Like

  5. This was such a brave post for you to write and something that I know you will look back on and be thankful that you got the words down. Sometimes it’s easier to type away and get everything out even when it feels like you have nothing to say. Everyone copes differently and that’s okay, it’s okay to take time for yourself. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, you shouldn’t need to feel like you need to apologise for your actions at the moment, it’s okay. I’m really not the best at giving advice so I’m not going to try and make something up but I want you to know that if you ever want to rant and write a super long message or just speak to someone who isn’t in front of you then I’m here, whether it is relevant or not. There are plenty of people around that are happy to talk to you about anything or even sit with you in silence because sometimes it’s nice just to have the presence of someone else. Here’s to you finding and re-discovering the old you 🙂

    – Hanney xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind message. If there is anything I’ve discovered since I started this … it’s that the kindness and interaction with others is the biggest bandage for all of this. It took me a while to realise people were only trying to help, once I got there I started to feel a bit more human xxx

      Like

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